Jessica Woodville | Memoir & Musings

The word resilience gets thrown around a lot when talking about trauma survivors. Society loves the idea of people who have endured unimaginable hardship and still manage to rise, stronger than before. But there’s a problem with this narrative: it glorifies survival while ignoring what it cost us to get there and honestly, it just feels like someone’s trying to sell us snake oil for the very real consequences of being so resilient.

For many trauma survivors, resilience wasn’t a choice—it was a necessity. We didn’t wake up one day and decide to be strong; we had to adapt to survive. The world didn’t offer us safety, stability, or protection, so we became hyper-independent, emotionally guarded, and endlessly resourceful. And while those qualities may look like strength from the outside, they often come with exhaustion, isolation, and a deep sense of grief for what was lost along the way.

Resilience Shouldn’t Be the Goal

When people praise survivors for being resilient, it can feel like a pat on the back for enduring suffering rather than an acknowledgment of the systems that failed us. It shifts the responsibility onto the individual rather than addressing the root causes of trauma. It also belittles the survivors who maybe aren’t as resilient as others who seemingly went through the same struggles.

Whether it’s a nature vs. nurture debate, we should be asking why survivors had to be in the first place. Why weren’t they protected? Why did they have to endure so much just to exist? Why do so many survivors still lack access to the resources and support they need to truly heal? What are we doing (or not doing) as a society that is perpetuating some of these adversities?

Survivors Deserve More Than Just Survival

We deserve more than just being admired for our ability to withstand suffering. We deserve rest. We deserve safety. We deserve healing. We deserve joy. I truly believe that every life brought into this world deserves their best chance.

Healing from trauma isn’t about becoming a warrior who never struggles again—it’s about reclaiming what was taken from us. It’s about finding peace, stability, and love in a world that told us we had to fight for every scrap of it. It’s about unlearning the belief that we are only as valuable as our ability to endure pain.

The Cost of Constant Resilience

The expectation of resilience often leads to burnout, dissociation, and emotional suppression. Many survivors have learned to minimize their own pain because they’ve been told that their survival should be enough—that they should just be grateful they made it out. But surviving isn’t the same as thriving.

When we glorify resilience without addressing the impact of trauma, we ignore the reality that survival often comes at the expense of our health—both mental and physical. We don’t just deserve to survive; we deserve to live.

What Survivors Need Instead

• Access to trauma-informed care – Many survivors struggle to find therapists who understand the deep and lasting effects of trauma. More professionals need training in trauma-informed practices.
• Community and connection – Healing happens in safe, supportive relationships. Survivors need spaces where they can be seen, heard, and validated without having to perform strength.
• Rest and recovery – Being in survival mode for years takes a toll on the body and mind. Survivors deserve the space to rest without guilt or expectation.
• Systemic change – It’s not enough to tell individuals to heal while the systems that caused their trauma remain intact. We need real reform in healthcare, education, and the justice system to prevent further harm.

Resilience Is Not Our Only Story

Survivors are more than just their ability to endure. We are artists, thinkers, creators, and dreamers. We deserve to be known for our joy, our passions, and our ambitions—not just for the pain we’ve survived.

So let’s stop celebrating resilience as if it’s the end goal. Instead, let’s build a world where people don’t have to be so damn resilient just to survive. Because survivors deserve more than just resilience—we deserve the chance to truly live.